closing time

fuck! time is closing in so near. dreadful feelings surrounding me. i hate to leave this town for which i've owned. temporarily. i hate to leave you. please don't make me hate my hometown for which i'm coming home to. permanently.

GARGH!!

on a happier note, i finally got a job at a kebab store in the city. today's my second day at work as a kebab maker. so far, i have yet to master the art of rolling. it takes a while i guess. pay is great. boss's nice. get to bring food home at the end of the day. bottom line: everything's smooth sailin'. insyaAllah. this gives me more reason for wanting to stay here for good. i don't even care if i have to earn bread money from making kebabs for the rest of my life. okay maybe not. maybe i'm just being selfish again.

an individualist with a lemon pen

one day at school, when i was nine i made up my mind that i wanted to be a pilot. strange as it may seemed at that time, i wanted to be different from the rest of my fellow classmates. an individualist you may say. still trying hard to be one these days. so anyways, when the teacher asked me 'why did i want to be a pilot?'. my response was simple cause i liked to travel and i would like to help people get to places (notice the selfless good-deed). i had no idea and thought that wanting to be a pilot seem to make me look cool infront of my classmates since there were no female pilots around at the time and it wasn't a popular choice of ambition. so when i got home told my parents about my choice of ambition, they were supportive of it. so for 2years i bragged about my 20/20 vision and how i wanted to be a pilot. yes, all because of my perfect vision. mind you i was nine at that time. not all nine year olds have great understandings you know.

till then, when i was in highschool, i decide that i don't want to be a pilot anymore. why? cause it came to my understanding that being a pilot is not just about having the perfect eyesight. it's about being smart and good at maths. i was horrible at maths. still am. i gave up at the 7th times-table and started to look into arts. i was doing fairly okay in art class considering that i had a good art teacher. atleast i never failed. i even helped a friend draw during the exam without anyone noticing ofcourse. we're good cheaters at that age. unfortunately, my love for art eventually slowed down in pre-university years because i was too caught up with the idiot box. as crime series start to make it's way into my everyday life, my interest in becoming a forensic expert grew and grew so much that i majored in criminology in university. instead of listening to lectures, i would daydream of working in the expert police force, assessing dead bodies and coming up with the unthinkable. at that time, i was so close to making it a reality. till reality really kicked in, i was told that i wasn't be able to do criminology cause brunei does not freaking recognise the australian law system. there goes my dream. so now i'm a psychologist in the making. a reluctant psychologist i may add.

p/s: i still want to relive my dreams in becoming an artiste- an artsy psychologist. how cool is that?

my humble attempt





















so who were you when you were young?

from september

presenting the musicilliteratetrio..

thunderstorm and buzz

i planned to get meat from chinatown today but the weather's being totally unfriendly these days. you know like it's me against the sun. i'm seriously out of meat. and i can't cook carbonara cause i don't have chicken pieces and i'm freaking craving for carbonara. it's been ages!! oh well i guess i just have to settle for the leftovers from 2 days ago. what 2 days?? no wonder i'm craving for carbonara.

on a totally unrelated note, i got a phone call from dad last night which lasted for a good 30 minutes. mind you calls from brunei to brisbane are ridiculously expensive. when accumulated, i think i they can pay a semester's rent. anyways sod that. i'm probably just exaggerating again. so back to dad, he gave me the your-family-are-all-happy-that-you're-coming-back-soon-and you-should-be-happy-too talk, book my flight, do major packing and what not. but the thing is that DAD i'm not entirely sure if i wanna come back so soon. not that i don't miss the family cause i do. i really do. but i'm just so content with my life here right now except moneywise. heh heh. kurang ajar punya anak. so content that i'm not ready to face the people in my home country, not ready to absorb the everyday routines of going to work and hot sun. walaupun brisbane lagi panas. all in all, i'm probably just afraid of changes. some changes are good some aren't. to me, this isn't a good change honestly.

i want to look for a job here, but dad isn't giving me the option to do so, he thinks that working back home is better, so that if i ever decide to continue on to my masters (which i will so i have a reason to come back here. evil.) i have a better chance of getting an inhouse training. i agree with him on that but i just think that with my degree in psych i think that there are better prospects here in lovely australia. boohoo it's so sad that i'm taking this too emotionally. but then again, who doesn't? after spending 3 years in a foreign land you tend to get attached to everything, from the horrible weather to expensive food. instead of drowning myself in my endless sorrows i ought to be enjoying myself here right? like: see places for the first and last time, do things i planned to do 3 years ago like visiting other states, getting a summer job (in this case it's almost impossible if it means i'm going back BEFORE summer), island hopping, go scuba in the great barrier reef. is it even thinkable to do all those things in mere what?! 4-5 weeks? with so much more priorities to do like sell my furniture, sort out my rent contract, uni shits, shop for families, have coffee with friends for the last time (for some). you know, you get the drift. this is too much. why can't i just stay here? why does life have to be so boring and systematic. ish i'm so negative. that's not what life is all about. yeah right.


so yeah i'm sad, negative, not so homesick and out of meat. great. just great!

p/s: no ofcourse i didn't forget about you.

in a foreign land

so what did i do on the first day of raya in brisbane?

for the past 3 years, the first day of raya was spent in uni's baseball diamond, and for the 3 years, it has been the same location. there's usually so many rounds of food yet limited houses. then continued on later at night almost whole day lepaking, with the same group of people at the same lepak spot so much so that it's getting too routined. not that i'm complaining, it's just that during this time of year you tend to have a little bit more of self-pity than you usually do. i really miss the sight of blinding neon lightings and 'open house' food layed out for an early breakfast. let alone, the unconventional satay and a couple variation of kuih raya. but then again the bonus of having friends from neighbouring countries here, by which i mean asean countries, is that you're never short of home food. personally, i find it funny how everyone's suddenly a great cook during raya that they can come up with dishes so similar that for one second you thought you were back home. in reality, such effort is made so that they themselves and their pathetic friends (i.e. me) can enjoy raya food instead of lingering at the thought of being at home, like i am the other child who only appears during raya. pathetic innit?

since it's an open season and all, i want to take this opportunity to apologise for any of my wrong doings. intentionally or unintentionally. body and soul. by words or by action. and also, many thanks are due to all of my friends (here and back home) who have fed and took care of me, you have done a great job of making me feel as part of the family. i wouldn't trade you for the world, or would i?

anyway, would like to wish all of you selamat hari raya & maaf zahir batin and to the hindus, a very belated happy deepavali.

the uneventful days

it has been days that i have been restrained from putting in an entry. self-intended. so what's in my shell now? i would'nt know, i felt empty this few days. plus i've been trying hard to cure the imsonia in me, hence there is no update from me. i guess being nocturnal is not that easy now hey? i find myself floating away whenever i am left idle. idle as in staying at a point where you think your mind is completely blank, feeling that you have lose yourself to another world. it is not even about being bored anymore this is way beyond that. am I delusioning? might be because i have not been doing tasks that would keep me sane. well..that's my life in a nutshell.

remember some post back (ok, 2 posts back) i have written about my encounter with a little dress. well it's something that i should've forgotten but i have not. i have mentioned how pretty it was, i lied. you could say that i did not lie as well because i wasn't sure myself until i tried it on me measly figure. so i went and had a little affair with the dressing room. it didn't last long though, a minute later i was out of the shop. you can say that.. it wasn't the perfect dress after all. ohh sod that! i'm on a new mission.

most of the people out there have their own wish list. some of them get very lucky when other people do obtain it for them. for some, it still remain a wish list. i, on the other hand, do have my very own wish list. can't stop a girl from wishing can you?

the wish list goes below (in no particular order):

• 17" macbook pro
• lomo world box (supreme ed.)
• fendi wisteria spy bag
• lanvin silk tulle dress
• interpol limited edition vinyl box set
• sigerson morrison/ marc jacobs flats
• a pinafore dress
  

now all i have to do is pray hard, either that or hope that some blessed soul will fulfil my wishes for me.

on the other more fulfilled side, i'm so close to finally getting "the shoe", just have to send some money and wait for it to be delivered to my doorsteps. woohoo!!

i mean, just look at them!??

as predicted

i didn't get the dress. i didn't go to hyperdome. all because i over slept! (blame aussie's short opening hours). it's funny how i'm not giving up already cause usually i would if it takes this long to get one single item esp. if it means money. i guess the thought never grows tiresome because for- one fact the moment you start to figure out the perfect dress in your size, you are left hanging to make your own conclusion of how good they will apparently look on you. see i'm the type who doesn't really dress up much, that's why most of my friends would wonder up their mind when they see me in a skirt or dress. i'm always with jeans whenever possible, jeans and my loyal havaianas. therefore, any changes would alert them.

sunday is a day where no activity is probably done, it is when i gain back all my lost sleep time during the week. yea not like i'm ever sleep-deprived. i was merely pushing myself to wake up and cook up a decent meal for sungkai. dut to my laziness i skip that and opt to eat out with the company of him. after such long decision, finally we decided to try out the new halal chinese restaurant in buranda called golden splendour. we both had a plate of prawn toast (nothing beats the one in tph. i miss home), sizzling chicken in chilli sauce, squid in salt and pepper and ofcourse, nasi putih. i'm back at home surfing the net now for my daily dose of iambored.com and with that i'm going to leave you with this hilarious video.

will post more later if i'm not too tired.

hello world!

i am back (blog wise) and i don't know why because i don't know it myself, it was a sudden urge for me as i'm typing this. i would choose to hit the bed, unfortunately i couldn't so i'd prolly just wait for sahur. anyways, life has been pretty dull for me here. still can't find a job, still waiting to graduate and from the looks of it this weekend would be wasted too. might drop by hyperdome tomorrow to get a dress i've always wanted and i hope it's on sale. even if it's not, it'll be good if it's still there. i really want that dress it's not even funny.

suddenly my head felt empty now, it always feels like this if i stayed on the computer for too long. i sensed myself being a junkie. i could be bumming all my life for all i care but i wouldn't let anyone step me further down. hahaha. crap! i'm wondering if they have the dress in my size.

i shall retire for my meal now or end up not publishing this at all. ciao.